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figuring it out

Submitted by monarch on Mon, 2010-03-22 20:49

I think that I just figured out that I stopped going to Church for all the wrong reasons. Somewhere along the way it became about me, about me not being comfortable in Church because of who I am. Or possibly searching for answers when I don't even have the question right and it could be trying to push God away because I know that when I let him in that he is going to wreck my self hatred and blame (a place where I am comfortable).  I forgot that it isn't all about me.

Comments

Submitted by Melissa L on Tue, 2010-03-23 23:11.
#1
Member since:
10 January 2010
Last activity:
1 week 2 days

Monarch, this is so great to read. Those 4(ish) simple words have been important companions of mine too along this journey of "figuring it out." Such a clarity present in what you wrote. Thank you. Hold onto these words for the inevitable times when that clarity seems far away again.  Prayers with and for you as God continues to seep and flood into every little crack and wipe out that old stuff. 

Submitted by nbergengren on Tue, 2010-03-23 10:19.
#2
Member since:
8 January 2010
Last activity:
6 hours 13 min

Monarch, I like to say that God positively ruined me (I like that play on words) when I started seeing the path of Jesus a bit more clearly, which I still struggle daily to rediscover, and I always get side-tracked.  The great thing is that we get the community of Jacob's Well to journey alongside us, together as we figure this out bit by bit.  I am praying for you and for all of us 'travelers' on the road of Peace, Love, Mercy and Forgiveness.

Submitted by monarch on Tue, 2010-03-23 14:14.
#3
Member since:
6 January 2010
Last activity:
17 weeks 6 days

What is the path of Jesus?  Are you talking about it in your life or in the World and are they different?

Submitted by dawn on Tue, 2010-03-23 08:06.
#4
Member since:
18 January 2010
Last activity:
1 week 6 hours

Hi Monarch :)  Yup, I can resonate with everything you said.  When I left church, I was struggling so much to figure out who I was (shame, guilt, sadness, loss, etc) that I was afraid someone would ask me how I was, and then I'd come undone.  But the truth is that I'd already come undone, and people don't judge nearly as much as they just care and want the chance to be there for you.  And as for God, I love what you said...God will wreck any self hatred and blame...you'll pretty much be bowled over by this terminator-kind-of- love that will put to death the 'you' that you love to hate, and make alive the 'you' that you can finally feel at home with.  Peace, sister...Thanks for the thoughts...it was a great way to start my day.